{ secret }

I have a secret.

I try and hide it every single day as best as I can, but it’s a daily battle.

I’ve lost over 220 pounds, and I’m not happy.

My Secret | Losing Loads Weight Loss Blog

Sure, I smile for my after photos, thank everyone who compliments me, but on the inside I’m totally depressed. Even when the scale continues to go down, I still have so much baggage. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I “hit goal” and try to maintain. I can’t even comprehend this thought. I’ve strived to lose weight for almost 2 full years. I’m not sure if I can change gears very easily. I’m completely terrified of gaining it all back. And I have every reason to worry about that, since I have personally done that very thing. Being “thin” doesn’t fix all those problems I started with at the beginning of this journey. I’m just as miserable.

My mind loves to go to it’s dark place. And it’s almost impossible to recover from, if you can even call it “recover”… then the cycle starts over.

I have a feeling I will have a love-hate relationship with the scale for the rest of my life. There’s no peace. Every time I eat, there’s constant worry. Constant guilt. Constant shame. I can gain 3 pounds from a single meal that has more carbs that I normally eat. And the guilt begins. Will it come right back off? Of course! Do all of my clothes still fit? You bet! Does that make me feel “better” about it? Not on your life.

I feel like I’m stuck in a parallel universe where everyone sees something I don’t when they look at me and say “you’re so skinny/thin!,” like it’s a big trick and I’m waiting for “no, not really, HAHA!” I scoff at my husband when he calls me “tiny.” To even use such a word to describe me feels absolutely ridiculous. I do not feel even the slightest bit “tiny.”

I know I need to love myself, but how do you even start to do that when you look in the mirror and see yourself as your “before”?

This journey is SO much more than just losing weight.
I’m extremely close to my goal weight, but I’ve still got a VERY long way to go.

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6 thoughts on “{ secret }

  1. Edna Anderson says:

    Keeping you in my thoughts and my heart. Sending spiritual energy to help give you strength to continue moving forward in your weight loss and in accepting your “value” regardless of the shape of your body. You ARE worth it! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lori Larson Draper says:

    Hey Wendy, you’re an inspiration to a lot of people and that is probably overwhelming in itself. I’m sure that you have thought about food as an addiction, do you think you’re addicted to the weight loss. Or the process, of having control over it. I’m proud you’re doing this to get healthy but it sounds almost like an addiction or disorder. I’ve known of many people that have this, if only I was thin my life would be better, or if I was like this, I’d be happy, etc. Maybe if you can afford it some eating situation counselor might be able to help. I hate to know you’re unhappy. I don’t mean to sound rude by any means,I am your pre-weight loss photo and I’d love advice on losing and what to do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wendy says:

      I fully believe food is an addiction and I am definitely still an addict. Over the holidays I took quite a few liberties and ate a LOT of things I don’t ever eat. I gained quite a bit and have work to do but don’t think weight loss is addiction for me. I like food to much. I think now I just want to get to my goal then I feel like I can get into maintenance mode and have more liberties more often (not like the last two weeks! Haha!) I do like having control though 😉 I am beginning to learn to love myself more (even after gaining this weight) and I’m slowly getting there! It’s tough – whew! I have good days and bad days, I’m not perpetually unhappy I suppose, but it was a surprise to me that I would still have days like I do. I’m always here to help, so I’m open to questions for any advice you may need as well. Thank you so much for your comment and reading my little blog!

      Like

  3. me says:

    Congrats!!! I pray you come to love and appreciate the new you.

    You have accomplished something most people will never do.

    I like to keep a food journal and see how I feel after each meal it helps. I discovered me and cheese don’t like each other. I needed to add in more things like broccoli which I love and I was eating too much protein and needed more veggies. Just keep going your head will catch up to your new self.

    Btw when I lost a lot of weight a few years ago I took all the old photos down and put up only the new ones to get me use to the new me so I could drop a few more pounds and reach my goal. I don’t know if that tip would help you accept the new you or not.

    Remember every single person battles something in the their life it may look perfect but no one is.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wendy says:

      Thank you so much for your comment. Any support is so appreciated! And you are so right – we all have personal battles (that we all hide), and it is tough, especially when we *know* we aren’t perfect, but we strive for perfection. Thanks again!!

      Like

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