I have a secret.
I try and hide it every single day as best as I can, but it’s a daily battle.
I’ve lost over 220 pounds, and I’m not happy.
Sure, I smile for my after photos, thank everyone who compliments me, but on the inside I’m totally depressed. Even when the scale continues to go down, I still have so much baggage. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I “hit goal” and try to maintain. I can’t even comprehend this thought. I’ve strived to lose weight for almost 2 full years. I’m not sure if I can change gears very easily. I’m completely terrified of gaining it all back. And I have every reason to worry about that, since I have personally done that very thing. Being “thin” doesn’t fix all those problems I started with at the beginning of this journey. I’m just as miserable.
My mind loves to go to it’s dark place. And it’s almost impossible to recover from, if you can even call it “recover”… then the cycle starts over.
I have a feeling I will have a love-hate relationship with the scale for the rest of my life. There’s no peace. Every time I eat, there’s constant worry. Constant guilt. Constant shame. I can gain 3 pounds from a single meal that has more carbs that I normally eat. And the guilt begins. Will it come right back off? Of course! Do all of my clothes still fit? You bet! Does that make me feel “better” about it? Not on your life.
I feel like I’m stuck in a parallel universe where everyone sees something I don’t when they look at me and say “you’re so skinny/thin!,” like it’s a big trick and I’m waiting for “no, not really, HAHA!” I scoff at my husband when he calls me “tiny.” To even use such a word to describe me feels absolutely ridiculous. I do not feel even the slightest bit “tiny.”
I know I need to love myself, but how do you even start to do that when you look in the mirror and see yourself as your “before”?
This journey is SO much more than just losing weight.
I’m extremely close to my goal weight, but I’ve still got a VERY long way to go.